Still want this ripped to pieces, Soy? I'll be glad to see what i can do (and I can range from horribly vague to horribly mean, try not to be mean, though).
In general, I found this to be wordy, and at times awkwardly worded. I don't think the parenthesis added much to this poem used as they are. Used more sparingly the effect would have been more prounced. for example.. first stanza, third and fourth line sounded odd to read.
Structure wise.. stanzas are your friend. yes. as are line breaks where they make more sense.. I'm not great with them, so I can only help so much there.
(this is just me, now, nothing as concrete, mostly opinion) In place of some description, maybe actions, or an.. not example.. oh, what's it called..
(ok, i've resorted to examples)
In place of "Telling myself that tonight (for once) I
will not be the one to pick up the phone. "
something more like (and this is partly becuase this sounds more lyrical than dramatic to me, too, now that I think about it, but that's beside the point..)
"I watched until the batteries of my clock ran down
staring at the motionless porcelin
huggin a blanket tighter around myself.. " the precelin beign the phone, or whatever you want it tobe made out of..
ok, that got off, but you see what i mean? well, as it's not a great example.. but basically, the same principle in writing prose, showing vs. telling. it's fine and dandy to tell us what's going on, it's another to show it, make us feel the emotion. There are parts I think you could omit, or work in a more artful fashion in the poem. "anticipation", for example. through word choice you can convey that feeling to us without blatently stating it. You also have some good imagery, so don't get rid of that!
basically, my advice would be to take another look at this, rewrite parts (what you think should be, not necessilary what I say should be done), maybe go over the top with it, use too many metaphors that no one else will understand, and then work down.
ok, enough poetic ranting from (a struggling poet) me. I do like this, and i think it has potential, so work with it!
Points: 3941
Reviews: 488
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